What is Sexual Border Violation?
There are boundaries that are clear to everyone that they should not be crossed. People should not just sit on your breasts, belly, buttocks or crotch without your permission. These are intimate areas. There is no excuse in which this could be done. No one else is in charge of that but yourself.
ContactGoing beyond your limits in language
Even in language, people can cross your boundaries. By naming your intimate zones. Judging them. Which can make you feel uncomfortable or naked. But you decide for yourself whether that is how you experience it? Where you can be sincere and honest with yourself and ask yourself the question: How did I really feel when he or she said that? Only to me? Or just in front of everyone which caused me to feel shame and embarrassment? Even though everyone else seems to think it's normal?
Boundary crossing sometimes happens before you really realize what exactly is happening. Often your body tells you it was boundary crossing. Because you suddenly feel uncomfortable, tense, nervous or angry. And you don't immediately know the trigger. Sometimes this feeling comes later. When that meeting is over. Or when that sports training is over and you're sitting on the couch in the evening and something is still simmering after what happened. Can you come back to it then? Yes indeed it is about your limits and your experience. It should be only natural that you talk about your boundaries and state them. Without being ashamed or uncomfortable.
It would be good if we share what happens in the contact and how you experience it. In which we can learn from each other how it is for the other person. 'Gee, that really wasn't my intention! I do say or do this often to and to colleagues but good thing it says! I'll pay attention to it'. That is the most desirable response. But we will also have to practice that with each other. Because how do you start the conversation about this with your colleague, your boss, your trainer, your teacher: 'I would like to revisit what happened just now or yesterday or today?' Is this sentence an option?
Intentionally?
And in some cases, boundary crossing is blatantly intentional and intimidating and there is no question about whether or not it can be done. The question that then arises is how can you stop this? And who can help you do that? Who can you confide in? Because it is also a difficult and painful subject?
Perhaps you have indicated several times that you do not like what is happening but this person ignores your comment and does not respect your boundaries and intentionally crosses them. To assert his or her power. Because power makes him or her feel good. Because by going over your boundaries he or she becomes bigger and more powerful himself or herself as a result.
What can you do if you want to report border crossing?
There are different agencies and ways to make a report. At some companies there is an HR department that you may be able to go to if you feel safe enough to do so. Or there is an internal confidential advisor that you feel safe enough with. If not, you can turn to outside agencies that take reports of boundary violations.
In fact, there could be all sorts of reasons why you don't feel safe reporting within your company because you don't know what will happen to your report? That you are afraid that everyone in the company will then know? Or that you don't know whether the internal confidant can really be trusted and is not by chance a good friend of the director or colleague about whom you want to make a report.
That is why there are also possibilities to make a report outside the company or organization so there is no risk that more people will know about your report and you want to keep control and know what you can do and be able to make choices. It is about something very private in which shame, vulnerability and loss of control can play a major role. The last thing you want is to lose control over your report.
Some organizations have commissioned an outside company to use this to make reports from their employees secure. One organization that specializes in this is called Report-App. The founder of this company is Karin Bosman. She was a lawyer at an advertising agency and experienced Sexual Assault and Harassment from her boss for two years herself. Based on this experience, she started doing research from which the organization Report App was born
If your company has not set this up this way and you still want to make a report outside your organization or company you can go to the following organizations: Victim Support who have a special department for reports of border crossing. Or you can file a report with the Sexual Violence Foundation. They will help you further.